Awkwardness in the Bathtub
Wow. There are so many elements to this story that I’m not sure where to start…just bear with me, folks.
Okay. First, let provide a bit of background by revealing something about myself. I tend to assume most guys are gay. Even some of the married ones. Not sure why. My cousin got married about eight years ago and I’m still convinced he’s living a lie. And with a bitch. I do NOT like his wife.
Without putting much thought into why, I’ve always assumed there is about a 70/30 chance that my brother’s gay. My boyfriend disagrees. He thinks it’s more like 80/20. My mom tells us we’re off our rockers. Her conservative estimate is 20/80. My brother is just barely a teenager so of course I’ve never revealed my assumptions. The truth will come out when he starts dating. Besides, we don’t need a big discussion; he knows us well enough to intrinsically understand that we don’t care if he’s gay or straight.
Okay, so that part of this little tale is out of the way.
Now, many of you may recall that my mom has a glass dildo that looks like a dolphin in her bathroom. She considers it ornamental flotsam. If you don’t know the story, please read my past blog post: Awkwardness at a Sexy Party. Trust me; her reasons for showcasing a dildo on a shelf in her bathroom will become clear once you’ve read that fun piece.
Now on to the actual story.
The other week, my brother was sick. He had a terrible flu and he totally regressed into a six year old. I stayed the hell away from him and their house. My mom called me about twelve times in a day to bitch about having to make him chicken noodle soup, stir the bubbles out of his ginger ale, and rub Vick’s Vapo Rub on his chest. Boys. They just can’t handle being sick. The last straw for my mother was when he whined until she poured him a bath. She did it, though, because she’s a good mom. She poured his bath, complete with bubbles and rolled her eyes when carted a dusty box filled with bath toys from his childhood into the bathroom.
She was on the phone with me when he finally got out of the tub, leaving all of his toys littering the floor of the bath. She bitched about his flu induced regression into boyhood, cleaning them up as she talked to me until she stopped mid complaint and started laughing like a hyena.
“What’s funny, Mom?”
“I don’t want to tell you,” she said when she could finally breathe.
“You’ll call your brother gay.” She started laughing all over again.
“Oh for crying out loud, just tell me.”
“Your brother was playing with my dolphin dildo in the tub.”
I almost died from laughing. As tears streamed down my face, I heard my mom shout, “What were you doing with my, er, dolphin in the tub?”
My brother shouted back, “I wanted to see what the glass looked like under water. Leave me alone, I’m sick.”
“80/20, Mom. 80/20.”
“30/70, and that’s as far as I’ll go.”
If you want to see a pic of my mom’s glass dolphin dildo, check out my past post Pumpkin Pornography.