Fun Things I learned This Weekend
I learned a few things this weekend.
1. Foreskin is fabulous.
I learned this when a guy with, well, a whole lot of foreskin hanging out from under the hem of his t-shirt, which happened to be his only article of clothing, told me so in no uncertain terms. To back up his verbal announcement, his t-shirt and picket sign both read “FORESKIN IS FABULOUS, as well. He seemed a little defensive when he shouted the merits of his uncut manhood in my general direction so to put him at ease, I simply replied, “Hey Buddy, you’re preaching to the choir here.” This response seemed to mollify him. He simply nodded and marched on, in search of other people to yell at.
2. A $10 dollar cookie should not be eaten in one bite.
The friend of a friend who sold me this cookie warned me three times. Do NOT eat the whole thing at once. “Oh, I have no intention of doing that!” I assured her. “I’m on a diet. In fact, I plan to share this cookie with friends just to cut down the calorie count. But maybe, you know, just in case more friends show up I should buy one more.”
Here’s the thing, folks. If a tiny little woman in a flower dress and feathers in her hair warns you not to eat the whole cookie at once, don’t eat the whole goddam cookie at once!
3. I am not immune to wardrobe malfunctions.
Apparently my new undies do not like to stay where they’re supposed to. Apparently they like to sit pretty for a whole 12 seconds and then make their best effort to fool themselves into thinking they are actually thong panties instead of bikini briefs. I learned this around the same time I learned my new skirt likes to fly up until it is completely covering my head. Of course, my new skirt does not always fly up over my head. It waits until I’m walking through the Canada Day crowds on Harbourfront while I’m carrying groceries in each arm.
4. My friends are a lot more interesting than I originally thought.
I used to work with this chick, and was excited to see her again. I met her hubby once or twice and he seemed cool, too. Then he put his arm around me and his hand brushed slowly over my ass. Now, I feel I should mention, my ass is quite sizeable, especially compared to the rest of me, so whenever someone brushes against my ass I always have to assess the situation before deciding if this is an accidental touch – a result of my ass being so difficult to miss, or is it intentional – as a result of my ass being quite round and fun to grab. I was in the middle of this assessment when his wife, my acquaintance, admonished his behavior. “Leave this pretty, young thing alone, dear,” she said, like I’m in my twenties and not my thirties. “She’s not interested in you.”
Now here’s the fun part. As she said this she cupped my ass! Not brushed, not grabbed. She cupped it. And did not let go for several seconds. Finally I said, “So you two are swingers, huh?” They replied that they were, indeed, swingers.
Naturally my boyfriend, who watched the entire exchange, and then a million more like it in the span of the evening, was quite pissed. I told him not to be upset, it was just harmless flirting on their part, to which he responded. “Those jerks spent the whole night hitting on you! It’s just rude for one couple to hit on only half of another couple.”
“Is it?” I asked. “I’m not entirely sure about the etiquette of that culture.”
Of course, my boyfriend’s not up on swinger etiquette, either but he’s adamant that he should have at least been thrown a lecherous wink or something.
5. Fireworks equal friends but not really.
If you have a mom who, say, goes ape shit crazy every Canada Day and spends her entire paycheque on fireworks, you make a lot of friends pretty much as soon as the first Roman Candle pops. Do not be fooled, however, into thinking these people are your buddies for life. As soon as your mom starts one little brush fire (the result of some crazy spinning firework combined with that second cookie you were smart enough to share this time) these people act like they don’t even know you. If you’re lucky, like we were, you do have real friends who will stamp out the fire for you because you don’t want to ruin your new shoes even though they only go with your new skirt that keeps trying to fly over your face so you can’t see the firework show.
As soon as I get the photos from the Pride Parade in order, I will share them here and on Facebook. I have some very fun ones that I can’t wait to show you!
Hey guess what? This was my 300′th blog post! Thanks for reading it! If you didn’t know this already, I think you totally rock.